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(Special thanks to Barbara from Austria for typing this script in!)
Hogan's Heroes
"GO LIGHT ON THE HEAVY WATER"
Episode #9
Prod. No.: 5784-10 (31-11)
Written by Arthur Julian
Producer: Ed Feldman
Director: Howard Morris
REVISED FINAL DRAFT August 11, 1965
Property of: BING CROSBY PRODUCTIONS, INC.
CAST
Colonel Hogan
Colonel Klink
Sgt. Schultz
Sgt. Kinchloe
Peter Newkirk
Carter
Helga
Scotty
Captain Mueller
German Sergeant Steinfeld
Motorcycle Soldiers
POW's
Guards
SETS
INTERIORS:
Road
Colonel Klink's Office
Barracks
Back of Truck
Radio Shack
Submarine Colonel
Klink's Outer Office
Colonel Hogan's Office
EXTERIORS:
Colonel Klink's Office
Barracks
Compound
Truck
FADE IN:
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
A heavily guarded German truck is making ist way down the road. From the opening in the back of the truck we can see several machine gun muzzles sticking out. Possibly we may also have one or two motorcycle soldiers with machine guns slung over their shulders. Over the above action we hear the SOUND OF BOMBS FALLING and an AIR RAID SIREN. As the noise of the bombs comes closer, the truck stops.
ANOTHER ANGLE - ROAD
CAPTAIN MUELLER, a tough infantry officer, gets down out of the truck and walks toward the tail gate.
MUELLER
(as he walks) Sergeant!... Sergeant...
A SERGEANT mumps down out of the truck and salutes smartly.
SERGEANT
Yes, Captain?
MUELLER
Give me the map. The bombing is much too heavy to continue.
The Sergeant pulls a map out of his tunic and hands it to Mueller, who spreads it out as the Sergeant lights a match and holds it over the map.
SERGEANT
Shall we take cover here?
MUELLER
DUNKOPF! With what we're carrying?... Do you realize what will happen to all
of us if we do not deliver this cargo to Berlin safely?
SERGEANT
The Russian front.
MUELLER
(nods gravely) And we'd be just in time for the winter sports.
Mueller goes back to consulting the map.
MUELLER
(continuing) Hmm - we are only a few minutes away from a prisoner of war camp.
That's where we will go.
SERGEANT
Is our cargo safe there?
MUELLER
The Allies would never bomb their own men. Stalag 13? The toughest camp in all
of Germany?
CUT TO:
EXT. KLINK'S OFFICE - NIGHT
HOGAN is in a clinch with HELGA.
HELGA
What if Commandant Klink catches us?
HOGAN
All prisoners are allowed one hour of recreation a day... I missed the volleyball
game.
HELGA
(she sniffs) You smell good.
HOGAN
The boys whipped up some after-shave lotion.
HELGA
It's very exciting.
HOGAN
We call it "Unconditional Surrender".
Hogan leans towards Helga, whose back is against the door leading to Klink's office. Just as Hogan is about to kiss her, KLINK opens the door; and Hogan and Helga plunge right into Klink's arms.
The surprised Klink now has Hogan and Helga in his arms.
KLINK
May I ask what is going on?
HOGAN
Sir, she was blocking the door.
HELGA
I told him you were busy, Colonel.
KLINK
Helga is just oding her duty. She is like any German soldier... a highly trained
machine.
HOGAN
I imagine it's tough getting spare parts for that machine?
KLINK
You can go now, my dear.
HELGA
Yes, sir.
She exits.
HOGAN
You sent for me, Colonel?
KLINK
Any future demonstrations by your men during an air raid will bring immediate
disciplinary action. Do I make myself clear, Colonel Hogan?
HOGAN
You keep telling us you're winning the war... you can't blame the men for celebration
one little raid.
KLINK
There is nothing to celebrate. No damage was done and your bombers suffered
severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffer!
There is a KNOCH on the door.
KLINK
(continuing) Come in.
SCHULTZ enters with Captain Mueller and salutes.
SCHULTZ
Herr Kommadante. This is Captain Mueller. He was almost caught in that terrible
raid.
KLINK
The raid was a complete failure.
SCHULTZ
Oh no, Herr Kommadante... They knocked the stuffing out of the messerschmidt
factory and got away before our Luftwaffer could catch them.
HOGAN
Illustrious Luftwaffer.
KLINK
Schultz!
MUELLER
I have a very important matter to discuss with you, Colonel.
HOGAN
What is it?
SCHULTZ
He is on his way to Berline to deliver an important...
MUELLER
Sergeant!
Schultz stops.
HOGAN
Come on, Schultz. We know when we're not wanted.
Schultz and Hogan exit. The door closes.
KLINK
What can I do for you, Captain?
MUELLER
We are on our way to Berline with an important cargo from Norway.
KLINK
What is this cargo?
The Captain goes over to the door, listens for a minute to make sure there is no one listening, then returns to Klink.
MUELLER
It's a highly secret project. Even my men do not know what is in the truck...
It is...
The Captain lowers his voice to a whisper, as we:
DISSOLVE:
INT. BARRACKS - DAY
Hogan is looking out the window. LEBAU, NEWKIRK and KINCH are standing behind him.
KINCH
What could they possibly have in that truck that's so important?
NEWKIRK
Maybe it's a new type of gun.
HOGAN
I don't think so. It's too small a truck for a bomb.
ANOTHER ANGLE - HOGAN'S POV
We see the truck parked in the compound. We see two SOLDIERS with rifles walking uard duty and TWO OTHERS with machine guns.
CUT TO:
INT. BARRACKS
KINCH
Do you think it might be a rocket?
HOGAN
No, they'd move that in a different type of vehicle.
CARTER
Maybe it's a beautiful spy... like a Mata Hari... and they'll turn her loose
on us so that she can use her charms to get valuable information from us.
NEWKIRK
Well, she's certainly not going to get anything out of me.
CARTER
I am not making any promises.
NEWKIRK
I just bet that you would tell her everything.
CARTER
Newkirk, how long have you been in this camp?
NEWKIRK
Seventeen months.
CARTER
If a beautiful German spy came up to you, took you in her arms and kissed you
passionately on your lips, what would you do?
NEWKIRK
I'd help her bomb Buckingham Palace.
The door opens and Schultz enters.
HOGAN
Hi, Schultz.
SCHULTZ
I have a favor to ask.
HOGAN
Sure, what can I do for you?
SCHULTZ
I would like some of that after-shave lotion.
HOGAN
Of course, Schultz... anytime you need anything... don't go to strangers.
SCHULTZ
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
HOGAN
Now, how about doing something for us.
SCHULTZ
(suspiciously) What?
HOGAN
What's in the truck?
SCHULTZ
A barrel of water.
HOGAN
You don't expect us to believe that?
SCHULTZ
I swear that's all I know. The driver told me. It is a barrel of water from
Norway that is being shipped to Berlin.
NEWKIRK
You mean to say they've got all those men guarding a barrel of water?
HOGAN
If you'd had that many soldiers at the Battle of the Marne, you wouldn't have
lost World War I.
He hands lotion to Schultz.
SCHULTZ
Danke.
Schultz exits.
NEWKIRK
Do you believe him, Colonel?
HOGAN
Schultz yes... the driver no.
SWISH TO:
EXT. BARRACKS
Hogan, Newkirk and Kinch are standing at the side of the barracks, looking around the corner toward the truck. Kinch has a wooden shingle in one hand and a hammer in the other hand.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Hogan and Kich now walk toward the truck.
CLOSE SHOT - TRUCK
As Hogan and Knich walk toward the truck, the Guards eye them suspiciously. Sergeant Steinfeld steps in front of them.
SERGEANT
Halt!
HOGAN
It's all right, Sergeant. Colonel Klink asked me to put this sign up.
SERGEANT
What sign?
Kinch holds up the wooden shingle. In hand-painted letters, it reads "NO SMOKING". Hogan looks toward the other guards.
HOGAN
(to Guards) Smoking...
He pantomimes taking a drag on an imaginary cigarette and blowing out smoke.
HOGAN
(continuing) ... verboten!
The Guards react nervously.
HOGAN
(continuing; to the Sergeant) With a barrel of nitroglycerin, you don't want
to take any chances.
SERGEANT
Nitroglycerin? That is water.
HOGAN
Sure, Sergeant... (nudging him with elbow conspiratorially) We always put a
twenty-four hour guard around a barrel of water. (winks knowingly)
The Sergeant suddenly realizes that maybe the barrel does contain something more than water.
HOGAN
(continuing) Put up the sign, Kinch.
KINCH
Right, Colonel.
Kinch now nails the sign on the tail gate of the truck.
HOGAN
Now, I think we can all sleep a little better.
He and Knich quickly exit. The German Guards look at each other uneasily.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Newkirk saunters toward the truck. He walks up toward the Guards, nods briefly.
NEWKIRK
Good afternoon, mates.
They stare stonily at him. He now reaches into his pocket, takes out a cigarette and a match. As he is about to light the cigarette, the German Sergeant shouts.
SERGEANT
Nein! (grabs Newkirk's hand)
NEWKIRK
Now just a minute. You can't pinch my cigarettes.
SERGEANT
(shouting and waving to the sign) No smoking!
NEWKIRK
I'll smoke if I jolly well please.
Newkirk tears himself away, takes out a match; and now all the guards rush him. He is struggling with them and shouting.
NEWKIRK
(continuing) Here now, let me alone! Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan!
ANOTHER ANGLE
We see Carter swiftly cross to the cab of the truck. He opens the door, gets in.
CUT TO:
INT. CAB
Carter lifts the canvas flap and slips into the back of the truck.
CUT TO:
INT. BACK OF TRUCK
We see Carter crawl through the opening. He now pries the top of the barrel up. After doing that, he takes his canteen, dips it into the barrel several times, then puts back the lid and bangs it into place with his fist. UNDER ABOVE ACTION, we HEAR the off-stage shouting and the German Guards running.
ANOTHER ANGLE - COMPOUND
While we seen the commotion over Newkirk, we also see Carter slip out of the cab of the truck. The canteen is in his shirt and he starts walking toward the barracks.
The Guards are still struggling with Newkirk.
NEWKIRK
I'm going to report the lot of you to the Red Cross.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Hogan comes running up.
HOGAN
What's going on here? Take your hands off that soldier.
The Guards stop struggling with Newkirk.
SERGEANT
He was trying to smoke.
HOGAN
(to Newkirk in mock severity) Can't you English read English? (points to sign)
NEWKIRK
Begging the Colonel's pardon... I didn't see the sign.
HOGAN
Well, we'll let it go this time. (to German Sergeant) Nice work, Sergeant. Good
to see you on your toes.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Klink comes striding up with a cigarette in a long holder.
KLINK
What may I ask is going on here?
SERGEANT
(turns to Klink) Herr Commandant, this man was...
He sees the cigarette, knocks it out of Klink's mouth and steps on it.
KLINK
Are you mad? I'll have you courtmartialed for this.
SERGEANT
But, Colonel Klink, the sign is by your oder.
He points to the sign.
KLINK
Who put that up?
HOGAN
Well, I took the liberty. I anticipated your order, Colonel.
KLINK
You put the sign up?
HOGAN
If somebody lit a match around that barrel of nitroglycerin...
KLINK
It is not nitroglycerin.
HOGAN
(fast) Nitrogelatin?
KLINK
No.
HOGAN
(fast) T.N.T.?
KLINK
No.
HOGAN
(fast) Rocket fuel?
KLINK
(shouts) I tell you it's water!
Hogan reaches down, picks up Klink's cigarette holder and hands it to him.
HOGAN
Okay, but if we're all blown up tonight, I'm never going to speak to you again.
Klink walks off as Hogan turns to Newkirk.
HOGAN
I'll bet they haven't even told Klink what's in that truck. The driver says
it's water, Schultz says it's water and now Klink says it's water.
NEWKIRK
What do you think it is, Colonel?
HOGAN
With those three men of integrity we know one thing.
NEWKIRK
What?
HOGAN
It ain't water.
CUT TO:
INT. BARRACKS
Scotty, Newkirk and Carter are standing around the bale. Carter has poured out some of the water from his canteen into a glass. Carter holds it up to the light, then smells it.
NEWKIRK
Well, Carter, what is it?
CARTER
It's odorless and colorless.
NEWKIRK
You don't have to be a chemist to know that.
Hogan enters.
CARTER
There's only one thing to do... taste it. Here, Newkirk.
NEWKIRK
I've got nine brothers and sisters, all dependent on me... my father hasn't
worked in yeras... I've got an old grannie awith the gout... you're a bachelor,
Scotty.
SCOTTY
I don't drink.
HOGAN
Wait a minute. For a situation like this we need a volunteer, thank you, Carter!
NEWKIRK
That's a good lad.
SCOTTY
And we'll write a very nice letter to your family.
Carter holds the glass up, working up his courage to take a drink. He looks at it for a moment.
NEWKIRK
Cheers.
Carter now puts the glas to his lips and takes a sip of the liquid, smacks his lips tasting it.
CARTER
You know what this is?
SCOTTY, NEWKIRK, HOGAN
(in unison) What?
CARTER
Water.
The trap door under the bunk opens and Knich sticks his head out.
KINCH
I've got the sub on the radio, Colonel.
Hogan follows Knich down to the radio room.
CUT TO:
INT. RADIO SHACK
Kinch works the dials. Hogan picks up the microphone.
HOGAn
This is Goldilocks... Come in, Momma Bear.
CAPTAIN'S VOICE OVER
We read you, Goldilocks, go ahead.
HOGAN
Something crazy is going on here. The Germans are acting very mysterious over
a barrel of water.
CAPTAIN'S VOICE OVER
A barrel of water? Did they ship it in to your camp?
HOGAN
No, it's on the way to Berlin. It comes from Norway.
CAPTAIN'S VOICE OVER
Norway! That's "heavy" water - made in a secret hydroelectric plant.
It is used in nuclear experiments. This is the most important assignment you've
ever had. Destroy that heavy watewr at all cost. Over...
HOGAN
Wilco. Over and out.
Kinch clicks off the radio. Hogan looks over to him.
HOGAN
(continuing) Outside of Captain Mueller w're the only ones that know what's
in that truck. We better get rid of that barrel or w're going to be over it.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. KLINK'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY
Helga is typing as Hogan walks up. Helga rises and sexily crosses to Hogan.
HELGA
Good afternoon, Colonel Hogan.
She starts to put her arms around Hogan. He gently pushes her away.
HOGAN
Klink is waiting for me.
Helga backs up and blocks the doorway with her arms. She does this in a flirtatious way.
HELGA
(sexily) I won't let you in until you kiss me.
HOGAN
The things I have to do for my country.
Hogan goes to Helga, puts his arms around her. Just as he is about to kiss her, the door opens from the other side. The two of them plunge trough the doorway.
CUT TO:
INT. KLINK'S OFFICE
Hogan and Helga have fallen into Klink's arms, as we saw before.
KLINK
Well, here we are again.
HOGAN
She keeps blocking the door. That girl is a tiger.
KLINK
She's only looking after my interest.
HOGAN
I'll bet it's easier to get into Hitler's office.
HOGAN
You may go, my dear, and keep up the good work.
Helga exits.
KLINK
(continuing) What can I do for you, Colonel Hogan?
HOGAN
I would like to apologize about the water.
KLINK
That's admirable of you, Colonel.
HOGAN
Well, I couldn't believe the German High Command would take the time to get
water from a spa.
KLINK
A spa?
HOGAn
You don't have to play games with me, Colonel Klink. LeBeau told me about that
great place in Norway where this water comes from.
KLINK
He did?
HOGAN
Yep, the French call the water --- la fontaine du jeunesse - "the fountain
of youth". I understand Louis XVI and Marie Antionette used to go there
to drink the water... and do I have to tell you what happened with those two
crazy mixed-up kids?
KLINK
They went to Norway for this water?
HOGAN
Sure. Actually Louie was losing his hair; but after drinking the water, he had
to put on an extra barber at the palace.
Klink's hand unconsciously goes over his bald pate.
KLINK
Hmmm...
HOGAN
It's a shame that the water's going to Berlin for Goering and that crowd. The
guy at the front never gets any of the goodies.
KLINK
Always everything is going to Berlin.
HOGAN
They've got all the food, all the liquor, all the girls... and now they'll have
all the hair!
KLINK
Hmm...
HOGAN
For the job you're doing they should send you a barrel.
He exits. Klink stands looking after him for a moment. Klink crosses to the mirror, looks at himself and again runs his hand over his bald pate.
FLIP TO:
EXT. COMPOUND
Klink is walking toward the truck.
CLOSER ANGLE
Klink stops in front of the German Sergeant. The Sergeant salutes him smartly.
KLINK
At ease, Sergeant. I just want to check the barrel of water to make sure everything
is secure.
SERGEANT
Yes, Sir.
Klink climbs up into the truck.
CUT TO:
INT. TRUCK
Klink goes up to the barrel, looks over his shoulder at the Guards. Assured that he is not being watched, he opens the latch on the top of the barrel. Then he reaches into his tunic and takes out a collapsible tin cup. He opens up the cup, lifts up the lid of the barrel, quickly dips the cup into the water and gulps it down. He drinks a second cup.
SERGEANT'S VOICE (o.s.)
Colonel Klink.
Klink does a gulp take.
KLINK
Yes, Sergeant?
SERGEANT
Is everything secure?
KLINK
Everything is secure.
Klink now quickly folds up his cup, puts it back into his tunic and secures the latch once more on the top of the barrel. He turns and exits.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Klink comes out of the truck. The Sergeant salutes him; he salutes the Sergant.
KLINK
You are doing an excellent job, Sergeant.
SERGEANT
Thank you, Colonel.
Klink leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. BARRACKS
Hogan is at the windwo, looking out. Newkirk, LeBeau, Carter and Kinch are behind him, looking over his shoulder.
HOGAN
Who ever said, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"?
FLIP TO:
INT. KLINK'S OFFICE
Helga enters and sits down in chair. Klink paces as he dictates a letter.
KLINK
This letter is to Colonel Oscar Pfefferman, Commanding Officer...
Klink has been pacing up and down with his back to Helga. He now turns and comes toward her. Klink now sees Helga staring at him. He stops.
KLINK
(continuing) What is the matter, Helga?
HELGA
There is something different about you today, Colonel... somehow you look younger.
KLINK
I do?
HELGA
The way you walk. You have such a youthful spring in your step.
KLINK
(relishes this, pulls himself up) I must say, I do feel better this morning.
Helga now rises and goes to him. Helga looks closely and brushes the shoulder of his uniform lightly with her hand.
KLINK
(continuing) What is the matter?
HELGA
Sir, I think there's some dandruff...
KLINK
Dandruff?
Klink turns, goes right to the mirror and starts to look for the new hari.
HELGA
Are you using some sort of hair tonic, Herr Commandant?
KLINK
(he turns) Hair tonic? Why no.
KNOCK on the door.
KLINK
(continuing) Yes.
The door opens and Hogan appears.
HOGAN
Colonel Klink?
KLINK
(to Helga) We'll finish the letter later, Helga.
Hogan gives Helga and inquiring glance and she nods and exits.
HOGAN
Here's the list of our requests from the Red Cross for this month.
Klink takes the papers from Hogan, walks toward his desk and puts the papers down. Klink has turned around and now sees that Hogan is staring at him. Klink stops.
KLINK
What is the matter?
HOGAN
I don't know. There's something different about you.
KLINK
What's different?
HOGAN
I can't put my finger on it.
KLINK
Maybe my walk is a little springier?
He now walks springily for Hogan.
HOGAN
Yeah... you seem... I don't know...
KLINK
More youthful?
HOGAN
Yeah, yeah... that too.
Klink crosses to him, brushes himself on the shoulder.
KLINK
(proudly) I had dandruff today.
HOGAN
(looks at Klink's head) I can't believe it. You're really growing... (stops)
Wait a minute. Did you get to that water?
KLINK
(indignant) Colonel Hogan! I am a soldier. If the water is going to Berlin,
it is going to Berlin.
HOGAN
Well, it's a shame. A barrel of that stuff and you'd be a bushy-haired kid again.
Klink again unconsciously rubs his hand over his head.
FLIP TO:
EXT. TRUCK - NIGHT
Schultz is standing guard at the near end of the truck as Klink walks up. Schultz salutes smartly, Klink returns it.
KLINK
Good evening, Sergeeant.
SCHULTZ
Good evening, Colonel.
KLINK
Schultz, I want you to give me a hand with the barrel.
SCHULTZ
What are we going to do with it?
KLINK
(lowering voice) We are going to bring it to my office and replace it with another
barrel of water.
SCHULTZ
But, Colonel - this water is supposed to go to Berlin.
KLINK
Only you and I will know, Sergeant... I mean - obersergeant.
SCHULTZ
(overcome) Obersergeant... Colonel Klink, thank you, thank you.
KLINK
Come, Schultz, we must be fast.
The two men go into the truck.
CUT TO:
INT. TRUCK - NIGHT
Klink and Schultz approach the barrel.
KLINK
Do you know that his water comes from Norway - the Fountain of Youth?
SCHULTZ
No...
KLINK
Haven't you noticed the spring in my walk... the hair in my eyes?
SCHULTZ
I was just saying to my wife last night, how wonderful you look.
KLINK
(points to barrel) It's the water.
SCHULTZ
The water?
Klink takes out his collapsible cup, opens the barrel, dips the cup into the water.
KLINK
Here, Schultz - take a drink. You'll feel like a new man.
Schultz takes a drink. Klink watches him. Schultz pulls himself up.
SCHULTZ
I can feel it - it's wunderbar!
Klink dips the cup in the barrel again. Mueller from outside the truck calls.
MUELLER
Colonel Klink!
Klink and Schultz exit the truck.
KLINK
Ah, Captain Mueller.
MUELLER
Colonel, what were you doing?
KLINK
Just checking our valuable cargo, Captain. By the way I found out about the
water.
MUELLER
You did? From whom?
KLINK
Colonel Hogan.
MUELLER
He knows!
KLINK
Yes, the Frenchman told him.
MUELLER
How did the Frenchman find out?
KLINK
Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI used to go to that spa in Norway for that same
water. It does wonders for you.
MUELLER
(through clenched teeth) Colonel Klink, somebody is making a fool of you.
KLINK
What do you mean?
MUELLER
(in a very low stage whisper) This water is for use in nuclear experiments.
It is known as "heavy" wawter.
KLINK
(gasps, clutching his throat as if poisoned) I drank some of that water. Will
I die from it?
MUELLER
Only if Berlin finds out.
INT. HOGAN'S OFFICE
Hogan is pacing up and down. Carter, Newkirk, Kinch and several other men are sitting around.
CARTER
What a shame that the Captain caught Klink at the water barrel.
KINCH
What are we going to do now, Colonel?
HOGAN
I don't know, but that truck is leaving tomorrow and that barrel can't be on
it.
NEWKIRK
Maybe we could fashion a hand grenade and toss it inot the truck from the window.
HOGAN
Yes, and they would line every one of us up in front of the firing squad.
KINCH
Do you think we could use a diversionary tactic to give us a chance to grab
the barrel?
HOGAN
That's good thinking, Kinch, but just taking the barrel won't do us any good.
We have to... (snaps his fingers) I think I've got it. Newkirk, aller the arson
squad. Scotty, bring the petty theft man here. Kinch, you round up the carpenters;
and, Carter, get me the cabinet maker.
CARTER
What are we doing?
HOGAN
Going into the water barrel business.
They all react, then move out, as we:
DISSOLVE:
EXT. CAMP - DAY
SHOOTING TOWARD the truck we see the Guards around it.
ANOTHER ANGLE
SHOOTING TOWARD the barracks, Carter and Newkirk are lying on their stomachs at the cornedr of the barracks. On a signal from Carter, they start crawling toward Klink's barracks.
CUT TO:
INT. BARRACKS - DAY
There is a BARREL (an exact replica of the one in the truck) standing in the middle of the barracks. A G.I. is painting the last few letters on the sign on the other barrel that says, "WATER - HANDLE WITH CARE". Kinch dumps a final bucket of water in the barrel.
HOGAN
Okay, Kinch. We've got enough water in the barrel.
Scotty clamps the top on the barrel.
SCOTTY
Carter and Newkirk just started for Klink's office.
HOGAN
(looks at his watch) We've got exactly one minute. Now, both of you stand by
with the barrel. (at the door) Good luck, men.
Scotty and Knich both give him "thumbs up". Hogan exits.
EXT. COMPOUND - NIGHT
We see Carter and Newkirk crawling on their stomachs, inching their way past the truck toward Klink's barracks.
EXT. KLINK'S OFFICE
We see lights on in the office and we HEAR some typing from Helga in the outer office. In the darkness, Carter and Newkirk appear. They reach into their pockets and take out some homemade INCENDIARIES. They work as a team, planting the incendiariels at the base of the building. Carter then reaches into his pocket, takes out a cigarette lighter, lights a fuse as Newkirk shields the flame with his hands. Carter snaps the lighter off. They toss a couple of them in the window and crawl quickly away.
ANOTHER ANGLE
We see a fire starting near Klink's barracks.
SCHULTZ
Look! Fire!
HOGAN
I thought I smelled smoke. (cupping his hands and shouting) Fire! Fire!
ANOTHER ANGLE
Newkirk and Carter are shouting.
NEWKIRK, CARTER
(together) Fire! Fire!
CUT TO:
INT. BARRACKS
Knich and Scotty are at the window.
KINCH, SCOTTY
(shouting together) Fire! Fire!
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPOUND
There are now shouts of "Fire", Soliders running about and pandemonium reigns.
HOGAN
(to Sergeant) We better get this truck out of here.
SERGEANT
We cannot move the truck.
HOGAN
You know what will happen to you if this truck burns with this barrel?
SERGEANT
You're right. We should move the truck.
HOGAN
Don't worry about it. I'll pull it over to the side.
Hogan starts for the cab of the truck. The Sergeant runs after him.
SERGEANT
Halt! I'll drive the truck.
HOGAN
Okay, have it your way.
The Sergeant gets into the cab of the truck and starts it.
EXT. COMPOUND - NIGHT
Hogan is directing the Sergeant, who is backing the truck up towards the barracks.
HOGAN
That's it, Sarg... keep going... just a little more slowly... slowly... that's
perfect.
The truck is now backed right up to the barracks. The German Sergeant gets out of the cab.
HOGAN
(continuing) The truck will be safe here.
We see that the other Guards have been following the truck, and they now form their guard in front of the truck.
CUT TO:
INT. BARRACKS
Scotty and Kinch are lifting the window out. They carefully put it down and we see that Hogan has maneuvered the truck so that the back of it is flush to the window. Kinch and Scotty carry the barrel over to the window. Scotty goes through to the truck. Kinch hands him the barrel, and we:
CUT TO:
INT. KLINK'S OFFICE
The office is filled with smoke, and Klink is stuffing some of his personal effects from the top of his desk into his pocket. He sees some flames coming in under the door, and he now picks up his spiked helmet and puts it on his head. Every once in a while, he shouts.
KLINK
Fire! Fire! Help!
HOGAN'S VOICE
(from offstage) Colonel Klink... over to the window.
KLINK
Bring a hose... a fire hose.
Klink goes to the window; and just as he gets there, he is hit by a spray of water from a hose. He staggers back.
EXT. KLINK'S OFFICE
Hogan, Carter and Newkirk are standing outside Klink's window. Newkirk is holding a hose. Newkirk and Carter grab a G.I. blanket as a fireman's net. Klink appears at the window.
HOGAN
Nice of the men to dampen you down a litte first.
KLINK
Get a ladder.
CARTER
There isn't time. Jump into the blanket.
NEWKIRK
We'll save you, Colonel.
NOTE: The window is only about six or eight feet from the ground.
KLINK
You won't catch me.
NEWKIRK
We give you our word as enemy prisoners.
KLINK
Call some German guards.
HOGAN
They're too busy. Better jump, Klink.
KLINK
(looks at Carter and Newkirk) All right, I'll jump; but you promise to catch
me.
NEWKIRK
Well, if you're not going to trust us...
At that point, Newkirk moves toward Carter with his end of the blanket - just as Klink jumps out of the window. Klink hits the ground as Newkirk and Carter are folding the blanket up. Hogan rushes to the fallen Klink.
HOGAN
You all right, Colonel?
KLINK
I knew it... I shouldn't have trusted them.
HOGAN
It's your own fault. They gave you two chances.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Captain Mueller comes rushing up. They now help Klink to his feet.
HOGAN
(continuing) You all right, Colonel?
KLINK
Yes... yes. Is the truck safe?
MUELLER
Yes, and we have Colonel Hogan to thank for that.
KLINK
Colonel Hogan?
HOGAN
Well, I knew that barrel of water must be pretty important to you fellows.
MUELLER
You may have done a service to your country, Colonel Hogan. Because of you,
the war may be shortened.
HOGAN
(smiling) I wouldn't be at all surprised, Captain.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. KLINK'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY
Hogan has his arms around Helga in an embrace. The door to Klink's office opens and the Colonel comes out, holding up a sheaf of papers in front of his face so that he does not see the two in each other's arms.
KLINK
Helga, would you file these papers?
At the sound of Klink's voice, Hogan does a quick turn so that Helga now has his arm pinned behind his back, simulating a half Nelson.
HOGAN
Colonel Klink, I told her you sent for me.
Klink now lowers the papers and sees what's happening.
HELGA
He is always trying to break into your office, Herr Colonel.
HOGAN
The use of judo on a prisoner of war is against the Geneva Convention.
KLINK
(smiling) You can let him go, Helga. Good work.
HELGA
Thank you.
KLINK
Come in, Colonel Hogan.
The two men cross into Klink's office.
CUT TO:
INT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY
HOGAN
What did you want to see me about, Colonel?
KLINK
I wanted to tell you that you didn't fool me for a minute with that story about
the water.
HOGAN
I didn't try to fool you.
KLINK
(holds up his forefinger) I deliberately went along with your little game so
you would think that it was only spring water from Norway.
HOGAN
You mean it wasn't?
KLINK
It was heavy water, to be used for a new type of bomb that will bring the Allies
to their knees.
HOGAN
(mock surprise) You mean...
KLINK
(smugly) You don't rise to the rank of Colonel in the Luftwaffe because you
are easy to fool.
HOGAN
(rising) If you don't mind, sir, I'd rather not listen to you gloat over your
victory.
KLINK
You are dismissed.
As Hogan turns to go, he turns back and comes to Klink. He looks closely at Klink's bald head.
KLINK
(continuing) What is it?
HOGAN
Maybe that heavy water does grow hair.
Klink immediately rises and goes to the mirror. As he searches for new hair, Hogan smilingly makes his exit.
FADE OUT
THE END