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"HOGAN, GO HOME"

Episode #81

Prod. No.: 5784-83 (37583) (31-84)

Written by Bill Davenport

Producer: Ed Feldman

FINAL DRAFT October 30, 1967

Property of: BING CROSBY PRODUCTIONS, INC.

CAST

Colonel Robert Hogan
Colonel Wilhelm Klink
Sgt. Hans Schultz
Sgt. Kinchloe
Louis LeBeau
Peter Newkirk
Sgt. Carter
Colonel Rodney Crittendon
SS Guard

SETS

INTERIORS:
Barracks
Tunnel
Klink's Office
Hogan's Quarters
Small Cell
Corridor

EXTERIORS:
Compound
Wooded Area
Road

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT

where HOGAN and the HEROES are plotting their next mission. A detailed map is secured to the wall. Hogan indicates an area on the map.

HOGAN
Now Carter, you and Newkirk place the bombs here just past the station.

CARTER
Right, sir.

LeBEAU
Nice camouflage, using the Berlin Express to carry ammunition and supplies. The krauts are getting smart.

NEWKIRK
Why not lob some grenades in before the train reaches the station?

HOGAN
Because the Berlin Express passes the Kessling Refinery right here. (points to map)

KINCH
We get the train, and the refinery. Wouldn't that make a cheery little bonfire.

NEWKIRK
Nothing better than a blazing oil field on a cold winter night.

HOGAN
(stretches, yawning) Okaly, let's go, men. Just two hours sack time before roll call.

ALL AD LIB 'Goodnights' as Hogan exits the tunnel. LeBeau peers at the map, searching. SOUND of signal from the radio.

KINCH
Hold it, guys. (grabs headphones, listens then excited) It's London. Allied High Command.

LeBEAU
The High Command?

Kinch listens to the head set and begins to scribble the mesage on a pad.

KINCH
(stunned) Holy Cats!

Alle move in toward Kinch. Sounds like something big.

NEWKIRK
What is it?

Kinch can't reply. He continues scribbling the message and his startled expression changes to shocked disbelief.

KINCH
Holy Cats!

LeBeau drapes himself over Kinch's shoulder and twists himself around so they are face to face.

LeBEAU
What, Kinch? What's so Holy Cats about it, Kinch?

Kinch pushes LeBeau away, scribbles the final words of the message, snaps off the radio and slowly removes the head-phones.

KINCH
I heard it but I don't believe it...

He is about to say something, then just shakes his head numbly.

KINCH
(continuing) Holy Cats!

LeBEAU
(face to face with him again) The message, Kinch. What is the message?

Kinch hands LeBeau the pad he's scribble the message on. LeBeau looks ,then exclaims:

LeBEAU
(continuing) Sacre Chatte!

CARTER
Sacre Chatte!

LeBEAU
That's French for Holy Cats! Listen to this. The big brass is ordering Colonel Hogan home.

NEWKIRK
You mean beack to the States?

LeBEAU
Yes. He's to return for a hero's welcome and then reassignment to Special Service for a three month bond sellign tour.

NEWKIRK
They must be crazy at Headquarters. The Colone's going to snap his twig when he hears this.

LeBEAU
The message says to stand by for further instructions. Now you know what the Colonel's going to tell them.

CARTER
I've got a terrible feeling that Hero's welcome is liable to turn into a dishonorable discharge.

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER
ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BARRACKS - NIGHT

Same night, a few minutes later. Newkirk, Carter, Kinch and LeBeau have gathered right outside Hogan's quarters where they're discussing the shocking orders from HQ.

KINCH
He's going to be pretty sore about it all right, but he's never disobeyed an order yet.

LeBEAU
Yes, but he's never gotten this kind of an order before.

Over their conversation, Hogan has opened his door and stands glowering at them.

NEWKIRK
I think we ought to let him sleep awhile before we tell him. You know what a nasty temper he has when he's tired.

CARTER
Yeah, and he was beat tonight. He'd eat us alive if we woke him up now with a message like this. I'd like him to sleep as long as he can.

HOGAN
I'd like that, too, Carter.

All turn, startled by the voice behind them.

KINCH
Sorry we kept you awake, Colonel. I guess the radio message from London had us pretty wound up.

Kinch gives him the message. They all move back to await the big blow-up. Hogan finishes and blinks at them. He can't believe what he's just read.

HOGAN
They want me to go home. They've ordered me home. I don't believe it!

LeBEAU
Who would issue and order like that?

HOGAN
I don't know, but I'll tell you this much... whoever it was is goiong to have me as a friend for life. Kinch, wire London, tell the morders acknowledge. When do I leave? How? Where? Get all the details.

KINCH
Yes, sir.

Hogan goes back into his room, giving a little skip and a hop as he kicks the door closed. We HEAR him singing, laughing, cutting loose with a couple of war whoops. The four of them just stare at the door.

NEWKIRK
Personally, I think he's taking the news pretty well.

LeBEAU
You'd almost believe he was happy about it.

CARTER
You know darn well he's happy. Boy, if that doesn't take the cake.

NEWKIRK
Pretty rotten way to act if you ask me. What happens to us?

CARTER
Yeah. What does happen to us?

NEWKIRK
I'll tell you wawht happens. We're stuck here while Colonel Courageous goes hom to take all the glory.

LeBEAU
I'd never dream he'd do such a thing.

CARTER
I know none of us would. If that order had been for one of us would we go?

NEWKIRK
Like a cannon ball. Who wouldn't like to go home if he had the chance?

KINCH
The Colonel deserves a break. He has all the responsibility... he takes the biggest risks. It's about time he got some recognition form the brass.

NEWKIRK
I think it's time he got some recognition from us, too.

CARTER
How about throwing a farewell party fro him?

LeBEAU
Yes, perfect. Let him know how we feel about him. I'll show him how I feel by cooking the most magnificent dinner money can buy.

KINCH
That's fine for you, but what can we do?

LeBEAU
You can supply the money that buys it.

LeBeau snaps his fingers, holding out his hand to receive their contributions. All dig into their pockets, as we:

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COMPOUND - DAY

where SCHULTZ is doing sentry duty. LeBeau and Newkirk come up and fall in step with him. Newkirk on his left side, LeBeau on his right.

LeBEAU
Sergeant Schultz, we have a small favor to ask of you.

Schultz, eyes straight ahead, answers firmly.

SCHULTZ
It is a violation of military regulations to do favors for prisoners.

NEWKIRK
Okay, Schultz. Just thought you might like to pick up an easy four hundred marks.

SCHULTZ
Sure it wasn't five hundred?

LeBEAU
Five hundred was to be our final offer if it looked like you were going to hold out.

SCHULTZ
It definitely looks like I am to me.

NEWKIRK
You drive a hard bargain, Schultz. Here's half of it now...

Newkirk gives Schultz a roll of bills.

LeBEAU
You get the other half upon delivery. Here's a list of what we want.

LeBeau gives Schultz a folded grocery list. Since Schultz heeds both hands to unfold the list, LeBeau takes the rifle for him.

LeBEAU
(continuing) I'll carry that for you.

LeBeau shoulders the rifle, they continue to pace off Schultz's rounds as he unfolds the list cautiously.

SCHULTZ
You aren't asking me to buy something you shouldn't have. Shovels, picks, wire cutters...

NEWKIRK
Just groceries.

LeBEAU
For Colonel Hogan's surprise party.

NEWKIRK
Mum's the word, though, Schultz.

SCHULTZ
It's a surprise, huh?

LeBEAU
Yes, a big surprise.

SCHULTZ
(reads, aloud) Fresh asparagus. Three dozen fresh eggs. One dozen tins of caviar. Fifteen double thick filet mignon. One dozen loaves of fresh bread...

LeBEAU
French bread, Schultz.

SCHULTZ
You're both crazy. Don't you knwo there's a war on? Where would I buy food like this?

LeBEAU
You know Rhinehardt's Market?

SCHULTZ
I've passed it. Not much of a market, though.

LeBEAU
No, but the market in the basement of the market is. You can buy anything... for a price, of course.

SCHULTZ
(righteously indignant) You aks me to do business with the black market? Never! Here, take back your grocery list and I'll take back my gun.

LeBeau takes the list from Schultz and stuffs it back in Schultz's blouse.

LeBEAU
Keep it. You might change your mind.

SCHULTZ
You just saw me change my mind... yes to no. (hands list to LeBeau) I'd like my gun, please.

LeBEAU
(pushes proffered list back at him) Would six hundred marks change it back to yes?

SCHULTZ
(shoving list back at LeBeau) No! My gun, please!

NEWKIRK
How about a maybe for seven hundred?

SCHULTZ
Not for seven hundred, eight hundred or nine hundred. Now I am warning you. Give me back my gun or I'll shoot!

LeBEAU
Not even for nine hundred, eh? (shrugs, resigned) I'm afraid Sergeant Schultz is one of those men who can't be bought.

LeBeau nods unhappily and hands the gun to Schultz who shoves it back at him, exclaiming:

SCHULTZ
That isn't true! They say every man has his price and I have a feeling you are only a hundred marks away from mine.

Schultz takes the list, LeBeau shoulders the rifle again.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BARRACKS - DAY

where the Heroes are discussing Hogan's party.

CARTER
Are we going to invite any of the guys from the other barracks?

LeBEAU
Let's keep it personal. A nice intimate dinner for the six comrades.

KINCH
Six? Who's the other one?

NEWKIRK
We thought it might be nice to invite Schultz.

CARTER
Schultz! We don't have that much food!

NEWKIRK
Remember, he's picking up the groceries for us. We want it to arrive in the truck and not in the driver!

Door opens and Hogan comes in from outside.

HOGAN
You guys are pretty quiet. Why aren't you busy making plans for my surpise party?

LeBEAU
Schultz told you.

HOGAN
He didn't mean to. I tricked him. I said, "Hi, Schultz, heard any secrets lately?", and he said, "Only the one about your surprise party".

CARTER
You'll be going to a lot of parties when you get home and we wanted ours to be the first.

NEWKIRK
We're proud to have served with you, sir, and this is our way of telling you.

HOGAN
Thanks, Newkirk, I'm pretty proud of you guys too. It slowly dawned on me how much this command meant. I'm going to tell headquarters I've decided to stay here, orders or not.

KINCH
That's a problem, Colonel, your replacement's already on his way here.

HOGAN
My replacement? Who is he?

Knich hands Hogan a radio message.

KINCH
Got this message awhile ago. It's all the dope on him.

HOGAN
(reading, half aloud) R.A.F. Colonel. Trained Commando. Sabotage expert. (with reluctant admission) I must say my replacement sounds like a darn good man.

Hogan crumples the message, sets fire to it and drops it in a nearby bucket filled with sand.

CARTER
He's not the man your are, sir, they don't make them like you any more. No sire-e, there's only one Col. Hogan and there'll never be another Col. Hogan... unless you have children and one of the boys goes into the service. Then I suppose he'd be another Colonel Hogan, that is, providing he was an officer, of course, and...

HOGAN
Oh SHUT up, Carter. Did headquarters say where I'm to be picked up? Am I flying, walking, swimming, or what?

KINCH
Your replacement will have al lthat information.

HOGAN
But we've still got the Berlin Express to take care of.

CARTER
I've got the bombs finished.

NEWKIRK
... And we'll place them on the tracks as scheduled.

Door slams open and Schultz marches in, very stiff and very much the Prussian Sergeant.

SCHULTZ
Colonel Hogan, the Kommandant wants to see you at once.

HOGAN
What about, Schultz?

SCHULTZ
Colonel Klink does not take me into his confidence.

NEWKIRK
I wish we hadn't either.

SCHULTZ
When there's something you don't want me to say anything about, just tell me nothing and I swear I won't mention it to anybody.

Schultz and Hogan exit.

DISSOLVE TO:

InT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY

Hogan enters the office. KLINK is up to greet him. He's in a very cheerful humor. Hogan is automatically suspicious.

KLINK
Come in, Hogan, come in. Nice of you to stop by.

HOGAN
I didn't stop by... you sent for me.

KLINK
Oh, yes, of course I did. (chuckles) Well, sit down, relax a moment.

HOGAN
When you're that cheerful this early... I never relax.

KLINK
Well, I suppose you're wondering why I sent for you. (chuckles) Am I right, Hogan?

HOGAN
Now that's an amazing bit of mind reading. How about letting me in on the joke?

KLINK
It's not really a joke. It's funny to me, but I don't know if it's going to be funny to you. (chuckles again)

HOGAN
Come on, Klink, I've got better things to do than stand here listening to you cackle.

KLINK
Please, Hogan, it isn't often I get the chance to chop you down and I'd just like to savor this moment.

HOGAN
What do you mean, chop me down?

KLINK
It has to do with a British officer who was captured a few miles from here. They'll be bringing him in shortly.

HOGAN
So?

KLINK
This officer is a Colonel, Hogan. A Colonel. Beginning to understand why I'm laughing?

HOGAN
Yes... you're a nut! Now I suppose you're going to say he outranks me.

KLINK
That's right, Hgan. The moment he walks through the gate you are no longer the senior officer.

He chuckles, but Hogan doesn't react.

KLINK
(continuing) That doesn't bother you?

HOGAN
I couldn't be happier. I can use a little breather.

KLINK
I like the way you're taking this, Hogan. Now let me tell you the name of this British officer.

HOGAN
Why should I care about his name?

KLINK
Becasue it happens to be Colonel Crittendon.

HOGAN
(really jarred) Crittendon!

KLINK
(happily) That struck a nerve, didn't it, Hogan? Chop, chop, chop!

HOGAN
Colonel Klink, that man disrupted the morale of this entire camp. He's nuttier than you are. He should be locked up somewhere.

KLINK
He will be, Hogan. Right here. Now kindly remove your things from the Colone's quarters.

HOGAN
You're even going to put him in our barracks.

KLINK
Wouldn't dream of putting him anywhere else. Chop, chop, chop again, Hogan.

HOGAN
I hope you're enjoying yourself.

KLINK
Oh, I am, Hogan. And thank you for falling apart so beautifully. That look on your face was even better than I had hoped for.

HOGAN
I'm glad I didn't disappoint you. May I go now?

KLINK
By all means. You will clean up your quarters, won't you? Colonel Crittendon is so fussy you know.

HOGAN
Colonel Klink, you are a very evil man.

KLINK
(delighted by this)
I know I am, Hogan... and it just makes me feel good all over.

Hogan shoots him a dirty look and exits. Klink sighs, contentedly.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. BARRACKS - DAY

Hogan has returned from Klink's office. The others are eager to hear what happened. Hogan is not very eager to tell them.

HOGAN
They're bringing in some British Colonel they captured near here...

LeBEAU
A British Colonel? Could that be the one who is replacing you?

HOGAN
I'm afraid that's exactly who it is.

NEWKIRK
Why do you say you're afraid that's who it is, sir?

HOGAN
Look everything's going to be all right, so let's not worry about it.

LeBEAU
You're trying to tell us some bad news, right, Colonel?

HOGAN
Well... you might say it was bad news... then again maybe you wouldn't say so. It's up to you men to decide just what kind of news it is.

Door SLAMS open and Klink, Schultz on one side, a Guard on the other, steps just inside the doorway. Hogan calls the men to attention; they leap up immediately.

KLINK
I want you men to meet your new commanding officer.

COLONEL RODNEY CRITTENDON strides into the barracks, a swagger stick held tightly under his arm.

CRITTENDON
At ease, men. At ease.

They practically slump to the floor. LeBeau looks at Hogan and nods sorrowfully.

LeBEAU
It's bad news.

The others nod in miserable agreement. Crittendon is oblivious to the exchange as he glances about the barracks, smiling at the memory.

CRITTENDON
Almost like a reunion, what? You lads are all looking quite... (looks at their sickly expressions, then to Klink, accusingly) Colonel Klink, have you been torturing these men?

KLINK
Certainly not!

CRITTENDON
They look terrible. Pale, sickly.

KLINK
Must be something that's going around the camp. Hogan looked the same way when he left my office awhile ago. (chuckles, then to Hogan) Chop! Chop! Chop!

Klink, Schultz and the guard exit. Crittendon is still gazing about.

CRITTENDON
Well, we meet again, Colonel Hogan. Small world, isn't it?

HOGAN
Oh, a small, small world.

NEWKIRK
I feel like it's closing in on me.

Crittendon has sidled up to Hogan and pauses at his shoulder to mumble:

CRITTENDON
You got the message from London? Just nod yes or no.

Crittendon now moves past Hogan, begins rocking on his heels, hands clasped behind his back as he studies a blank wall.

CRITTENDON
(continuing) Yes, indeed, what a small world this is.

HOGAN
What was that you whispered to me, Colonel? I didn't quite catch it.

Crittendon, his back still to Hogan, hunches his shoulders, pained by Hogan's stupidity. Through gritted teeth he murmurs:

CRITTENDON
Hogan, the walls have ears. Klink must have planted bugs all around this place.

KINCH
You're right, Colonel, but we found every single one.

CRITTENDON
Still, one shouldn't take chances when he's on an assignment like this. Caution is the keyword in espionage.

HOGAN
We don't believe in taking chances either... so if you'll just show me the identification you were given.

CRITTENDON
Nicely done, sir. Came right to the net on that one, didn't you. (looking through his pockets) Let's see now... where did I put those secret papers? (self-conscious little laugh) Imagine forgetting something like that. The papers in my secret pocket should be all the identification you need, Colonel.

HOGAN
Where is your secret pocket?

CRITTENDON
(pleased) You don't remember either, eh? It'll come to me in a moment. Just put on the old thinking cap and... My cap! (whips off his cap and removes some papers from the lining) There you are, Colonel.

HOGAN
(gives papers a quick glance) Seems to all be in order. Better get rid of those now.

CRITTENDON
Right you are. First thing they tell you is to destroy all papers even if you have to eat them. Who's got a match?

CARTER
(gives him a wooden match) Here you are, sir. I guess those papers do taste better when they're cooked.

CRITTENDON
(lighting the papers) I'm not cooking them, I'm burning them. (then, aside to Hogan) The sergeant sounds a bit stir crazy to me, Hogan.

HOGAN
I think Carter was making a joke.

CRITTENDON
Oh? Excellent. I say if a man can keep his sense of humor, he can tak anything Jerry dishes out. Good lad. You go right ahead and make all the jokes you please... no mater how bad they are.

Crittendon still holds the papers and the flames are creeping up toward his arm.

HOGAN
Colonel, you're about to catch on fire.

CRITTENDON
(now aware of the flaming papers in his hand) Good Heavens! Now don't get alarmed, men. Let's not panic. Steady as she goes.

Crittendon calmly, without panic moves over to a wicker basket, removes the top, drops the bruning papers ino it and replaces teh top. There's a trace of smugness in his smile.

CRITTENDON
(continuing)
There we are.

LeBEAU
You shouldn't have done that, Colonel.

CRITTENDON
No harm done, singed my fingers a trifle but it could've been worse if I'd lost me head. When I saw the danger, I kept my wits about me. Just walked over and dropped those burning papers in the trash basket.

HOGAN
You dropped them in our laundry hamper.

LeBeau and Newkirk throw buckets of sand in the hamper.

CRITTENDON
It certainly looks like a wastebasket to me. I'd advise you to write laundry hamper on it so this sort of thing won't happen over and over gain.

In the b.g. LeBeau and Newkirk are now beating the burning basket with their blankets.

HOGAN
I'll do that, Colonel, if anything's left of it.

CRITTENDON
If you'll excuse me. I think I'll tidy up and then have the men assemble here at 053 - no, no, that would be 0330 hundred o'clock - P.M.

Crittendon exits into Hogan's quarters and LeBEau and Newkirk, their faces smoke stained, walk back to Hogan.

LeBEAU
Well, at least no one has to do the laundry this week.

NEWKIRK
Practically every stitch I owned was in that hamper.

CARTER
You probably didn't have one penny's worth of fire insurance either. (laughs, the others just stare at him, grimly) Well, Colonel Crittendon said we'd find something funny in every tragedy if we looked hard enough. That's what he said, isn't it, sir?

HOGAN
Uh-huh - yeah, we better start looking right now because I've got a feeling a lot of them are coming this way.

The others nod a little fearfully, as we:

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOGAN'S QUARTERS - DAY

Crittendon stands at the dresser. He is putting on Hogan's khaki shirts. The swagger stick is still under his arm. There is a KNOCK at the dor.

CRITTENDON
Come.

Hogan enters.

HOGAN
Got a minute, Col. Crittendon? I've a few questions I'd like to ask.

CRITTENDON
I'll be glad to answer anything I can. You realize I am here under secret orders.

HOGAN
That's my first question. Why did they pick you?

CRITTENDON
I wasn't picked, I volunteered. After all I am familiar with this cam and with my commando and sabotage training - who could be better for the job?

HOGAN
Exactly, what kind of commando training did you have?

CRITTENDON
Oh, the whole show! That commando course separates the men from the boys. I'll confess at first I didn't think I'd be able to cut it. Took every ounce of grit and determination in me! I made it but I wuldn't want another weekend like that one.

HOGAN
Two days of commando training?

CRITTENDON
Actually it was 3 - I stayed an extra day to brush up on hand to hand combat.

HOGAN
During those 3 days I suppose you also became an expert in sabotage?

CRITTENDON
No, that was another course I took after I left th hospital. I learned quite a bit... let me show you something.

Crittendon takes the handle of his swagger stick, pulls and parts the stick in the center and he now holds seven inches of razor sharp steel at Hogan's throat.

CRITTENDON
(continuing) Rather neat trick, eh, Hogan?

Hogan is backed against the wall, the tip of the knife touching his throat.

HOGAN
(uncomfortably) Yes, indeed. A very neat trick.

CRITTENDON
Does a neat job, too. This knife is razor sharp.

HOGAN
(the knife still at his throat) Yes, it feels like a razor sharp knife.

CRITTENDON
(lowers the knife) Dreamed this one up myself. Seems to have fooled Jerry so far, hasn't it?

HOGAN
Well, around here Jerry isn't too hard to fool.

Crittendon sticks the knife under his arm, forgetting the blade is still unsheated.

CRITTENDON
I've been giving some thought to...

As he begins to pace, we see the knife has pierced Hogan's ca which he'd left on the up-ended food locker. The cap is now stuck on the tip of the knife.

HOGAN
Colonel, my cap.

CRITTENDON
(blankly) How's that?

HOGAN
You've stabbed my hat.

Crittendon holds up the knife and plucks off the skewered cap.

CRITTENDON
I'm awfully sorry, Hogan. I keep forgetting to put it back together. Usually put a nice slice in my shirt sleeve... (raises arm and sleeve is neatly sliced) ... and I've done it again. Only this time it's your shirt.

HOGAN
That's okay... it'll go well with my cap.

CRITTENDON
Right you are. Anyway, I was saying I've been giving some thought to your escape from here.

HOGAN
It can't be from here, Colonel. We're blowing up the Berlin Express and the Kessling Refineries tomorrow night. Any escape from Stalag Thirteen would be too risky.

CRITTENDON
I see what you mean. Suppose then, you were to be transfered, to another camp? While enroute you escaped with the help of the underground.

HOGAN
It's a good idea, but how do we arrange that transfer?

CRITTENDON
If Klink thought an important prisoner like Col. Hogan was planning an escape, he'd have you out of here before you had a chance to try it.

HOGAN
He sure would. I know just the pitch I'll give him...

CRITTENDON
Col. Hogan, the Senior Officer is the only one who has contact with the Kommandant. I'll do the talking to Klink.

HOGAN
It really might be better if you let me handle him. I've been doing it for some time now.

CRITTENDON
Col. Hogan, let me assure you that I am a very persuasive fellow when I want to be. Don#t worry, I'll take care of Klink. Believe me, in no time at all you'll be free as a bird!

HARD CUT TO:

INT. SMALL CELL - NIGHT

where Hogan, depressed, dejected and disgusted, sits on the edge of a narrow bunk in the cooler. The silence is broken by Crittendon's voice calling:

CRITTENDON'S VOICE
Hogan! Colonel Hogan! Are you there?

HOGAN
(turns to face the door and says disgustedly) Chirp. Chirp.

Hogan gets up and goes to the cell door where Crittendon peers in at him.

CRITTENDON
Got your message, but I had some trouble getting Klink's permisson to see you. Finally, he gave me a three minute visit as my reward.

HOGAN
Reward for what?

CRITTENDON
For telling him about your escape plan. It#s hard to believe he swallowed that fairy tale I told him.

HOGAN
I don't find it hard to believ at all. Did Newkirk give you that key?

CRITTENDON
It's right in my pocket. You'd be mad as a March hare to make a break from here.

HOGAN
Stop wasting time. Unlock the cell door, but leave it shut.

CRITTENDON
Hogan, if you get shot and miss that bond selling our, it'll be my neck.

HOGAN
It'll be a broken neck if you don't unlock that door.

CRITTENDON
All right, don't get in such as stew. (unlocks cell door) There you are. If you try anything just how far do you think you'll get?

HOGAN
I'm going to try something... and I hope it'll get me as far as the next prison camp.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Klink and Schultz approach Hogan's cell. They look through opening.

SCHULTZ
The Kommandant is here to see you, Colonel.

HOGAN
I appreciate your coming, sir.

KLINK
Don't bother to appreciate anything, Hogan. Col. Crittendon asked me to do this as a personal favour.

HOGAN
Since when are you doing favors for the enemy?

KLINK
Although we are on different sides, I have a great deal of respect for Colonel Crittendon. He's a fine officer, an honorable man...

HOGAN
And a dirty stool pigeon.

KLINK
He was only trying to keep you from committiong suicide. No one will ever escape from Stalag 13 while I am ist Kommandant.

HOGAN
That won't be much longer. I'm busting out of your prison camp, Colonel Klink. Just giving you advance notice so you can pack.

KLINK
You don't bust out of any place until you bust out of that bust-proof cell. There's a good trick in itself.

HOGAN
That's why I'm glad I'm locked up in here. The more sensational my escape is, the sooner we can get you to a cooler climate.

KLINK
(wearily, upset) Why did you want to see me?

HOGAN
Just wanted to warn you. I owe you that.

KLINK
No, Hogan, you were just trying to annoy me, get me upset, but it won't work. Good night, Colonel.

Klink and Schultz walk way from the cell door.Klink smiles, amused.

KLINK
(continuing) These has-beens will try anything to get attention. I really believe Hogan's cracking up.

Hogan comes up behind them, grabs Klink's arm.

HOGAN
You're convinced I can't escape, aren't you?

KLINK
How many times do I have to tell you that no one escapes from Stalag 13.

HOGAN
Care to make a litle bet on that?

KLINK
(yawning) Hogan, it's late, I'm tired, please get back in your cell and go to bed... (yawn freezes, eyes open wide) What are you doing out here?

HOGAN
Suppose you answer my question first.

KLINK
(frantically) Schultz! Put him back in there. Now! Raus!

SCHULTZ
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

HOGAN
(to Schultz) Schultz, have you got a cigarette?

SCHULTZ
(starts to look through his pockets) I think I have a pack somewhere. (leans his rifle against the wall and searches his pockets)

KLINK
(ready to explode) Schultz! You dunderhead! You dumbkopf...

HOGAN
I think he is upset because you left your rifle lying around. (picks up rifle and hands it to Schultz) Better watch that, Schultz, somebody could trip over it and get hurt! (gives them a wave as he goes back into his cell) Well, good night, see you in the morning... maybe.

Klink is a mighty worried man as we:

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COMPOUND - DAY

Hogan, accompanied by Schultz and four SS GUARDS is led to the rear of a prison van. Klink stands nearby watching every move suspiciously. Crittendon, LeBeau, Carter, Newkirk and Kinch have all arrived.

LeBEAU
Well, I shall just say au revoir, my Colonel.

KLINK
Say au revoir, Hogan, and get in the truck. The men can write to you at Stalag 15.

HOGAN
I'll say my own goodbyes, if you don't mind, Colonel. Did you and Carter get those packages taken care of?

CARTER
A-O.K., sir. Should hear something from them tonight. Good luck, Colonel.

CRITTENDON
Is it all right if I give Hogan a gift, Colonel?

KLINK
What gift, Colonel Crittendon?

CRITTENDON
Just my swagger stick. I'd like him to have it for old times sake.

KLINk
Okay, Hogan, take the stick and get in the truck. We don't want you to miss the train.

HOGAN
Train?

KLINK
You're going in style today. The Berlin Express.

Hogan has swung himself into the rear of the truck, and neaerly falls right back out, but a Guard grabs his arm. He hangs half out of the truck.

HOGAN
The Berlin Express??? Hear that, guys? I'll be on the Berlin Express!!!

CRITTENDON
I hate goodbyes, so let's just say, 'til we meet again.

HOGAN
Right... and let's meet real soon, sahll we?

Driver starts the engine, as we:

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY

Crittendon, wearing work clothes, leans on an ax watching Knich and Newkirk cutting through a tree with a two man swa.

CRITTENDON
That's fine. Stop right there.

Kinch and Newkirk stop and work the saw out from the tree base.

NEWKIRK
One more stroke will bring her down, Colonel.

CRITTENDON
We don't want to bring her down just yet. We'll wati until LeBeau sees the van approaching. Then one blow of my ax will drop that tree right in front of them.

Carter clambers to his feet.

CARTER
Don't you think we oughta do that now instead of waiting until the last minute? This is one train I don't want the Colonel to catch!

CRITTENDON
Carter, the element of surprise gives us a big advantage. We'll be on those guards before they know what's happened.

NEWKIRK
The Colonel's right about that. They'll be sitting ducks for us.

LeBeau comes scrambling up to them.

LeBEAU
The van's coming. It's about half a mile away but rolling fast.

CRITTENDON
This is it. Get your guns ready.

LeBEAU
When the truck reaches that white sign post, I drop my hand... right, sir?

CRITTENDON
Right you are. To your post now, LeBeau.

LeBEau salutes and disappears into a large, leafy bush near the road. All we can see of him is his right arm sticking up through the bush. Newkirk, Kinch and Cater crouch down, guns held close to their chests. We can hear the SOUND of the approaching van. Crittendon takes a grip on the ax handle, sets himself, ready to swing... LeBeau drops his arm in a chopping motion. Crittendon's blade rings loud and true as it slices through the tree trunk. The tree begins to topple, slowly at first and then picks up speed as it crashes to the ground. Crittendon't timing was perfect. If the tree had fallen across the road instead of back into the forest, the plan would've been perfect, too. The van continues on down the road. They all gaze after it. We see Hogan peering out the side of the canvas flap covering the rear of the van.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROAD - DAY

The prison van is parked on the side of the road where the driver and SS Guard are replacing a flat tire. Hogan is out of the truck stretching his legs. He's holding the swagger stick, bending it up and down as if testing ist suppleness. He wanders over to watch the men at work.

HOGAN
Takes a long time to change those tires, doesn't it? Nothing to in on an American truck. You just...

SS GUARD
Shut up! Get back in the van.. we're almost ready to go.

HOGAN
It's about time.

Hogan casually parts the swagger stick, turns and jabs the blade into the tire several times, then climbs up inside.

SS GUARD
Everyone back inside.

SS Guard scrambles up the metal rungs on the side of the van then steps on the rear tire which instantly goes flat with a sudden whoosh of air.

HOGAN
Not another flat! What did you do to that tire?

SS GUARD
Nothing. I just put my foot on it.

HOGAN
What are you using for rubber these days? Banana peels?

The SS Guard levels his Mauser at Hogan.

SS GUARD
One more word from you and I'll...

LeBEAU appeears behind the Guard with a gun.

LeBEAU
No, you won't. You'll drop the gun and put your hands in the air.

SS Guard stiffens, his finger is on the trigger and he's about to whirl around and shoot it out when the barrel of a Thompson gun is pressed between his eyes. Kinch and Newkirk have the others covered.

KINCH
Okay, fellas, just climb in the back.

LeBEAU
I'll drive.

HOGAN
(takes LeBeau's shotgun) I'll ride shotgun.

CARTER
Let's drive over by the refinery and watch the explosion.

HOGAN
No time for that, Carter, I want to get home.

The Heroes react unhappily.

NEWKIRK
We forgot about that. I suppose you are eager to go.

HOGAN
Yes, I am! As the song says, Be it ever so humble there's no place like Stalag 13. Home, LeBeau!

LeBeau salutes happily as we:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY

where Hogan has finished one of his usual fables and Klink is in his usual state of amazement.

KLINK
But when the Underground freed you, why did you come back here?

HOGAN
I've been asking myself that same question. Some invisible force seemed to be pulling me back. I guess... Oh, it sounds silly.

KLINK
What?

HOGAN
You'll just laugh.

KLINK
No... I've already laughed this week. What are you trying to say?

HOGAN
I'm back because I missed the old dungeon. You have no idea how I felt as I walked over the hill and watched the sun setting behind the machine gun turrets.

KLINK
Hogan...

HOGAN
The barbed wire barricades looked like spun gold. To me here was not only safety but maximum security.

KLINK
Hogan, I don't believe one word of it, but you were right about Crittendon. The man cannot be trusted. Give him and inch and he'll take fifty yards.. He'd gotten that far when Schultz spotted him.

HOGAN
Colonel Crittendon tried to make a break?

KLINK
(nods) Denied it, of course. Said he was coming in, not going out.

HOGAN
Where is he now?

KLINK
On his way to Stalag 15. He's a menace. He should be locked up somewhere. Somewhere else. There's no room here for troublemakers.

HOGAN
We can do without them very nicely. Oh, what time have you got?

KLINK
(checks his watch) Five twenty-nine and fourty seconds.

HOGAN
Exactly?

KLINK
I just set it by the radio.

HOGAN
Fine, fine. (counts under his breath) ... 19,18,17,16,15,14... (peering out window now) ... 13 -

CUT TO:

EXPLOSION - (STOCK)

CUT TO:

KLINK
Hogan! What happened? What is it?

HOGAN
Your radio's twelve seconds slow.

KLINK
What does my radio have to do with that explosion just now?

HOGAN
(shrugs) Beats me. Well, it's good to be back, Colonel, and before I go, there's one other thing I'd like to say.

KLINK
What?

HOGAN
Chop, chop, chop.

FADE OUT.

THE END.