"HOLD THAT TIGER"

Episode #2

Prod. No.: 5784-03 (31-01)

Written by Richard Powell

Producer: Ed Feldman

Director: Robert Butler

REVISED FINAL DRAFT June 4, 1965

Property of: BING CROSBY PRODUCTIONS, INC.

CAST

Colonel Hogan
Colonel Klink
Sgt. Schultz
Sgt. Kinchloe
Louis LeBeau
Peter Newkirk
Olsen
Carter
Corporal Langendscheidt
General Hofstader
General Hofstader's Aides
Helga
French Girl "Tiger"
The POWs
Guards
Dogs

SETS

INTERIORS:

Colonel Hogan's Office
Barracks
Colonel Klink's Office
Recreation Hall

EXTERIORS:

Camp Thirteen
Gate of Camp
Barracks
Barbed Wire Fence
Colonel Klink's Headquarters
Outside of Barbed Wire Fence
Recreation Hall
Guard Towers

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMP THIRTEEN - NIGHT

The POWs are lined up for the evening roll call, as searchlights from the guard towers play about the compound. The GUARDS make their reports to COLONEL KLINK, who then steps forward to address the prisoners before their dismissal. Klink is standing closest to HOGAN and his SQUAD.

KLINK
Prisoners. From time to time, as commandant of Camp Thirteen, out of my own free will I bring you news, of the war of which you are no longer a part. (pause) Things continue to go well for the all-victorious 3rd Reich.

There is some muttered reaction from the prisoners, which the guards attempt to repress. Klink raises a tolerant hand.

KLINK
(continuing) You would wish it otherwise, but it is necessary to deal with facts. New and powerful weapons continue to pour from our factories --- I have just returned from a nearby Panzer division, completely equipped with the new and secret Tiger tanks, which will crush resistance like an eggshell.

There are WHISTLES of derision from the POWs, which the guards seek to quell. Klink becomes a litle angry.

KLINK
(continuing) The Allies would love to get their hands on one, believe me!

Klink then composes himself, and goes on:

KLINK
(continuing) However. As prisoners, you should look upon this latest weapon of the invincible Third Reich as another guarantee that the war will soon be over. Dismissed!

Hogan steps forward and salutes Klink.

HOGAN
Colonel Klink.

Klink returns the salute.

KLINK
Yes, Colonel Hogan.

HOGAN
This panzer division, with the new Tiger tanks... you said they were west of here?

KLINK
North. (immediately, suspicously) What is that to you?

HOGAN
Just - asking.

FLIP TO:

INT. HOGAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT

KINCH, LEBEAU, OLSEN, NEWKIRK AND CARTER are gathered around Hogan, staring at him.

NEWKIRK
Steal a German tank?

HOGAN
Oh, we'll give it back. After we take it apart and make blueprinst.

KINCH
How do we get hold of it?

LEBEAU
How do we get it in here?

CARTER
How do we hide a tank?

NEWKIRK
Where do we take it apart?

HOGAN
Look... I got the idea of stealing it - the rest is detail.

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BARRACKS - DAY

Hogan is directing a group of POWs, who - with hammers and screwdrivers - are assaulting one of the end walls of the barracks, pulling nails and unscrewing screws. Some are on makeshift ladders. The lookout at the door, Carter, gives a warning.

CARTER
Guard coming!

The men immediately stop work, jumping down from their preches and assuming innocent expressions. Carter then takes a closer look.

CARTER
(continuing) As you were... it's only Schultz.

With a disgusted look at Carter, who gives an apologetic shrug, the men resume work. SCHULTZ then enters. On seeing the work going on, he becomes very agitated.

SCHULTZ
What is? What? What? What is? What?

HOGAN
Remodeling, Schultz. You see, we knock out this wall here, put in a picture window, which gives us a sweeping vista to the delousing station. Then, with some Danish modern pieces in place of... Or what would you think of Provincial, Schultz?

SCHULTZ
Colonel Hogan, please! You cannot knock out a wall!! Please!!!

HOGAN
How else would we get the tank in?

SCHULTZ
Tank? Tank? Tank? Tank?

HOGAN
To take it apart. So we can...

Schultz claps his hands over his ears.

SCHULTZ
I hear nothing! I see nothing! Nothing!

ANOTHER ANGLE

Lebeau appears behind Schultz, in the uniform of a Gestapo officer. He is wearing a small mustache.

LEBEAU
Schultz!

Schultz whirls and reacts in shock.

SCHULTZ
Herr Leutnant, I... I... have just uncovered a plot, to... to...

LEBEAU
(German accent) And that is why you hear nothing, you see nothing?

SCHULTZ
A... a speech problem... often I speak, I do not know what I say!

HOGAN
That's true, Lieutnant Lebeau... I urge leniency for this man, on the grounds of general incompetence.

SCHULTZ
(eagerly) That's right! Even my wife, Herr Leutnant Lebeau, sys that... (a take) Lebeau??

Lebeau takes off his mustache.

NEWKIRK
How is my accent?

SCHULTZ
What a relief! If a Gestapo officer ever found out what was going on around here... (another take) What is he doing in this uniform? Colonel Hogan, you have gone too far! I must report this! It would be worth my life if I did not!

He turns to Newkirk. Lebeau is making some adjustments in the uniform.

HOGAN
Tell the alteration department we need a little more shoulder padding, Lebeau.

Schultz is compelled to ask a question, even though he doesn't want to hear the answer.

SCHULTZ
Why... why is he dresed like that?

HOGAN
It's just for tomorrow, Schultz. Then he'll take it right off again.

SCHULTZ
(slightly relieved) Ah.

HOGAN
After he steals the tank. From the Panzer division. And brings it right into the barracks.

Schultz is about to faint again.

SCHULTZ
I was not here! I did not even get up this morning!!

He starts out hurriedly.
DISSOLVE:

INT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY

Klink is at his desk as the door opens and Hogan is ushered in by Helga.

HELGA
Colonel Hogan, Herr Kommandant.

Klink returns Hogan's salute. With a smile at Hogan, Helga leaves.

HOGAN
Very good taste you have, Colonel, In furnishings.

Klink rises, looking at Hogan suspiciously.

KLINK
Yes. What is it now, Colonel Hogan? I am very busy... the paperwork from Berlin, no one has any idea.

HOGAN
I sympathize. However, Colonel Klink, I must protest as a violation of the Geneva convention the private interrogation of my men by a Gestapo officer.

KLINK
Nonsense. There is no Gestapo officer here! Dismissed!

HOGAN
Well, most likely an imposter.

Hogan turns to go, pausing just long enough for Klink to have second thoughts.

KLINK
A Gestapo officer? Here?? What is he asking about??

HOGAN
(off-hand) Nothing important. Just if we'd ever heard you say anything about... Usual Gestapo stuff.

KLINK
About what?? About what?? I am completely loyal!! They know that in Berlin!!

HOGAN
Sure. But you know how they are.

KLINK
What did your men tell him? They told him the truth??

There is a KNOCK at the door.

KLINK
(continuing; up) I cannot be disturbed!

Hogan takes a look at his wristwatch.

KLINK
(continuing; to Hogan) What did they tell him??

The KNOCKING continues.

KLINK
(continuing; up) Come in!

The door opens and a GERMAN CORPORAL from Klink's staff comes in hesitantly.

KLINK
(continuing) You are hard of hearing, Langenscheidt? You need a trip to the front, to sharpen your senses?

LANGENSCHEIDT
The main gate is calling, begging the Kommandant's pardon. A Gestapo Leutnant is there.

KLINK
Tell him nothing! What does he want?

LANGENSCHEIDT
To leave, Herr Kommandant. He has a pass, but they have no record of him entering.

KLINK
(exploding) What do I care?? He wants out, let him out!! The quicker the better!! Dummkopfs!!

Langenscheidt beats a hasty retreat.

LANGENSCHEIDT
Yes, Herr Kommandant. Certainly, Herr Kommandant. Right away, Herr Kommandant.

He closes the door behind him.

HOGAN
Nasty lot, that Himmler crowd.

Klink throws Hogan a look, then strides to the window. Hogan follows, to look oever his shoulder.

THEIR P.O.V. - AT THE GATE

The Guards are opening the gate. Newkirk, on a motorcycle, roars through, giving the Hitler salute. ZOOM IN on Newkirk, giving the salute.

SCHULTZ

standing nearby, averting his eyes.

DISSOLVE:

INT. HOGAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Hogan is at a map that hangs down from the bunk, with his men gathered around. The scene resembles a briefing before a bombing mission.

HOGAN
(checking his watch) All right, gentlemen, we have ninety seconds to evening roll call. We'll run through for the last time. Two minutes after we fall out, Newkirk arrives at the main gate, here, with the Tigr tank.

CARTER
Excuse me, Colonel. But if we can get the tank in here, wouldn't it be a great way for a bunch of us to escape, inside it?

Hogan looks at him.

HOGAN
You're new here, Carter. We don't escape, because we've got more important things to do. There is a war on, and we're fighting it... here.

CARTER
Yes, sir.

HOGAN
Now, Newkirk enters with the tank and proceeds to here. With the distraction, you go through the fence here, Lebeau, and rendezvous with the agent who is to later carry away the tank blueprints... rendezvous point being here.

LEBEAU
Usual procedure, Colonel?

HOGAN
Usual procedure. Change clothes with the agent, who will then be captured by the guards posing as you. Kinch has had radio contact with the people sending the agent.

KINCH
Code name "Tiger", part of Operation Tiger.

HOGAN
Thirty-five seconds after Newkirk enters with the tank, the alarm will be sounded over your escape, Lebeau. Under cover of the serach, Newkirk will bring the tank to here, and...

WHISTLES start to blow outside.

LEBEAU
Roll call, Colonel.

Hogan looks at his watch.

HOGAN
Thirty-one seconds early. Why can't thse Germans learn to be methodical?

Hogan tugs at the bottom of the map and it rolls up quickly like a window shade. They all start out of the room.

CUT TO:

EXT. BARRACKS - NIGHT

The POWs fall out on the double and start lining up. Schultz is there, hurrying them along.

SCHULTZ
Raus! Raus! Schnell! Sich beeilen!

He glances over his shoulder, apprehensively.

HIS P.O.V:

The menacing figure of Klink comes out of his headquarters, and watches the line up of the POWs.

BACK TO SCENE

The squad is now lined up. Schultz is about to start his count, but doesn't want to.

HOGAN
Beautiful evening, Schultz.

Schultz gives him a look and starts counting.

SCHULTZ
Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, sechds, sieben, acht, neun, zehn...

As he goes down the line, he is counting slower and slower, suspecting that he is going to be one man short. Hogan attempts to be helpful as Schultz falters to a stop.

HOGAN
Elf is next - eleven.

SCHULTZ
(under his breath) I know how to count!

HOGAN
Good. So many of the younger guards... It's the way they're taught, I guess.

He smiles pleasantly as Schultz glares at him, then resumes the count, sweating.

SCHULTZ
Elf, zwolf, dreizehn, vierzehn... vierzehn...

Klink's voice is heard, off.

KLINK'S VOICE
Report!

Schultz turns to Hogan, pleading.

SCHULTZ
How can I report when number fifteen is missing?

HOGAN
Look at the bright side - fourteen are here.

Schultz passes a trembling hand over his face.

ANOTHER ANGLE

Klink comes striding toward them, and stops.

KLINK
Schultz... report!!

Hogan glances at his watch. Schultz, trembling, salutes.

SCHULTZ
Herr Kommandant, I beg to report... as a matter of fact...

KLINK
I do not want a social chat, I want a report!!

SCHULTZ
Of course, Herr Kommandant. You see...

Corporal Langenscheidt comes running up and salutes.

LANGENSCHEIDT
Herr Kommandant... the Tiger tank you requested is here!

KLINK
I requested a Tiger tank?? This is not a Panzer division, this is a prison camp!

LANGENSCHEIDT
The Kommandant is correct without a doubt... the Kommandant has put it very well... but the tank the Kommandant requested is here!

He gestures off. They all turn, as a clanking NOISE is heard.

THEIR P.O.V.

A German Tiger tank is lumbering toward them, with the gun turrent turning menacingly (if possible).

HOGAN'S HEROES

Hogan gives a nod to Lebeau, who takes off for the fence at a crouching run.

ANOTHER ANGLE

The tank stops and the turret opens. Lebeau, still in the dress of a Gestapo officer, but now with a tank helmet on, emerges halfway from the turret.

LEBEAU
Kommandant Klink? Heil!

Klink returns the salute.

KLINK
Heil! But...

LEBEAU
Where are the rebellious prisoners? The Tiger tank shall smash them, flat as pancakes!

KLINK
Rebellious prisoners? We have no rebellious prisoners! They are tame... I have tamed them!

LEBEAU
Then why did you request a tank?

KLINK
I did not!

LEBEAU
You question the word of a Gestapo officer?

KLINK
Certainly not, but...

LEBEAU
Here are my orders!

He pulls them out and hands them to Klink, who stares at them.

KLINK
They are certainly authentic...

LEBEAU
There could be any doubt??

KLINK
Not a doubt in the world! Except...

Hogan steps up and salutes.

HOGAN
Colonel Klink... have I permission to speak?

KLINK
(thoroughly flustered) No! Yes!

HOGAN
I very much regret to report that one of my men seems to have escaped.

KLINK
Escaped??

HOGAN
(apologetically) Mail from home today, sir. His girl sent him a candid snapshot.

NEWKIRK
So! These are your tame prisoners!

KLINK
No one has ever escaped from Stalag Thirteen! He shall be recaptured immediately! (to Langenscheidt) Sound the alarm! Turn loose the dogs! All prisoners back in the barracks! All guards turn out for the search!

There is a chorus of "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant" from those around Klink as they scatter to carry out his orders. Klink turns to Newkirk.

KLINK
(continuing) I assure you...

NEWKIRK
Lucky for you that I am here!

He disappears into his tank, closing the turret. Klink shrugs helplessly and goes to direct the search.

AT BARRACKS

Schultz is rushing the prisoners into the barracks. Hogan is the last one in. He pauses at the door.

HOGAN
Exciting, isn't it?

SCHULTZ
Please!!

He closes the door on Hogan, then rushes off. After a moment, the door opens again slightly, and Hogan beckons toward the tank.

THE TANK

It starts slowly toward the barracks.

INTERCUT

SHOTS of the guard towers, with the searchlights directed toward the perimeter. SHOTS of guards with dogs, outside the wall.

BARRACKS

As the tank approaches, one wall of the barracks falls outward, to the ground. The tanks runs over it, into the barracks.

SCHULTZ
He is on his way to join in the search as he ses the tank go into the barracks. Dumbfounded, he then looks frantically around to see if anyone is watching. He then goes on, casting his eyes upward in helpless supplication.

INT. BARRACKS

All is frantic activity, under the direction of Hogan. Men with ropes are pulling the wall back up into place. Other men with wrenches are falling upon the tank, already taking it apart.

CLOSER ANGLE

Lebeau sticks his head out of the turret, looking down on the activity below him.

LEBEAU
Hey! All I wanted was an oil change!

QUICK DISSOLVE:

INT. BARRACKS - NIGHT

A short time later. The tank has by now disappeared. Kinch comes to Hogan with a piece of tank tread.

KINCH
A piece left over, Colonel.

HOGAN
Quick... get it down the tunnel with the rest of the tank.

Hogan moves to the bunk and operates the trap door. Knich starts down the stairs.

KINCH
Coming, Colonel?

HOGAN
I'll be busy up here. We'll have plenty of visitors, once they miss that tank. Close it up.

With speed and ease born of long practice, the men close up the bottom of the trap door - replacing the boards and then piling the personal effects of the POWs on top.

NEWKIRK
All secure.

Hogan checks his watch.

HOGAN
So far so good.

Carter enters the barracks, coming quickly to Hogan.

CARTER
Something is wrong outside, Colonel. The search is still on.

HOGAN
They haven't recaptured anybody?

CARTER
No sir. Not Lebeau, not Tiger. Nobody.

There is a moment of silence, as all look at each other. They are not accustomed to having their plans go wrong. Then there is a rapping SOUND from the closet. The raps are obviously a code. Hogan nods to Kinch and Newkirk, who go over to the closet and rapidly take up the floor. (This action is played in tense silence.) When the boards are up, Lebeau climbs through into the barracks.

HOGAN
What are you doing here?

LEBAU
(climbing out) Sorry, Colonel.

HOGAN
Sorry?? What happened? Didn't you find Tiger?

LEBEAU
Yes sir, I did.

HOGAN
So what went wrong??

LEBEAU
It - just wouldn't work out.

Hogan is irate at this breach of discipline.

HOGAN
It just wouldn't work out. So you decided to use the outside tunnel entrance.

LEBEAU
Yes sir.

HOGAN
Are you out of your mind? You know the oders - no one uses that outside entrance and the tunnel except in emergency! The Krauts find out what we've got underground, and we've blown the ball game!!

LEBEAU
I - thought it was an emergency, Colonel.

HOGAN
Oh, you did. And where's Tiger? Right behind you?

LEBEAU
Waiting permission to come up, sir.

Hogan stares at him, furious, and then goes to the tunnel entrance.

HOGAN
Tiger! Come up here!

As the men gather around, TIGER emerges from the tunnel entrance. She is a lovely, fully-developed French gir, who could not be mistaken for a man even if they dressed her in a burnoose.

TIGER
'Allo.

HOGAN
You're - Tiger?

TIGER
Oui. Tiger.

There are low WHISTLES of appreciation from the men. Tiger gives them a friendly smile.

TIGER
(continuing) 'Allo.

LEBEAU
The changing clothes, Colonel. It... just wouldn't work out.

Hogan, who has enough problems already, blows his cork.

HOGAN
What's the matter with those people on the outside?? They know the procedure!

TIGER
You mad on me?

HOGAN
This isn't a game. Guys risk their lives to escape from other camps... We sneak them in here... They depend on us to get them out of Germany... The whole operation can go down the drain cause they send me a woman.

TIGER
I have had many missions, more dangerous than this. And they did not send me - I volunteered.

HOGAN
Fine! You're Mata Hari, but this is an all-male camp! Just where, for instance, do we put you??

Newkirk steps forward and salutes.

HOGAN
All right! Knock it off!! Knock it off, all of you!!!

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. HOGAN'S OFFICE - DAY

Carter and Olsen are taking blanket off bed while Tiger stands on a low fitting stand.

CARTER
Material for your ensemble, Mademoiselle.

TIGER
A blanket?

NEWKIRK
When the tailor shop gets through boning down the napth you'll think it's chincilla.

CARTER
You get the measurements.

Carter exits as a perplexed Newkirk holds up a tape to measure a crucial area. He backs off again. Hogan enters on this.

HOGAN
Well? What's the matter, Newkirk?

NEWKIRK
The matter is, Colonel, that a gentleman's tailor is a gentleman's tailor, and what we got here is no gentleman! Beggin' your pardon, Tiger.

TIGER
But of course.

HOGAN
Look, do the best you can. We've got to get her out of here tonight, as a German civilian, in some kind of bulky suit to carry all the blueprints.

NEWKIRK
We couldn't make her look like a German civilian if I put a dress on her!

HOGAN
Put a dress on her!

NEWKIRK
You think I'm Anatole of Paris??

TIGER
Colonel. Women work as crew on the German trains...

HOGAN
(exasperated) I don't care if you put on a kimona and go as Tokyo Rose! Let's ad lib the whole operation!

TIGER
Why not? The worst you can get is a week in solitary, and I can only get shot.

HOGAN
If you're feeling sorry for yourself, it's a little late.

Newkirk tries to act as peacemaker.

NEWKIRK
The blanket will make a capital train uniform...

He holds the tape up in front of Tiger in the air, taking rough measurements at a little distance.

TIGER
Unless the Colonel disapproves.

Hogan passes a hand over his face.

HOGAN
All right. All right... Just be ready by tonight's roll call. The diversion is the tank coming out of the rec hall... then you take off.

TIGER
I thought it was in pieces.

HOGAN
It is in pieces. We'll put it back together in the Rec Hall. After the Germans padlock the place.

TIGER
It sounds - wild.

NEWKIRK
The Colonel never misses. Everything under control, always.

TIGER
Except his temper?

HOGAN
Look, Tiger... !

Schultz enters quickly, and starts talking to Hogan. Tiger is turned away from Schultz, and he takes no initial notice of her.

SCHULTZ
Colonel Hogan! Herr Kommandant Klink wants you in his office, quickly, quickly! He is boiling about the escape that was not an escape... the guards searched all night, and there was no man missing! Furthermore...

Tiger turns and looks at him. He shakes his head, unbelieving.

SCHULTZ
(continuing) No. No.

HOGAN
Tokyo Rose.

SCHULTZ
You have gone too far, Colonel Hogan! This time, you have... (breaks off) What am I talking about?? I see nothing! Nothing!!

FLIP TO:

INT. KLINK'S OFFICE

Hogan is reporting to Klink, seated behind his desk.

HOGAN
(saltuing, innocently) Something I can do for you, Colonel Klink?

Klink throws him a perfunctory salute, rising.

KLINK
A slight explanation. About last night, Colonel.

HOGAN
You know I feel worse than you do about that? Sit down, sit down.

He sits, hospitably gesturing Klink to a seat. Klink aoutomatically sits down, then rises with the same motion.

KLINK
On your feet! If you do not feel worse than I do now, you will, Colonel Hogan! My men and I were out all night, and this morning at roll call, the man that you reported missing was still here!

HOGAN
Matter of fact, I think we were one over.

KLINK
Enough of American jokes! Punishment shall be meted out, to all prisoners!

HOGAN
All prisoners?

KLINK
All prisoners! (with satisfaction) And then you will not be so popular, Colonel Hogan.

HOGAN
They'll hate my guts. But, I guess that's the only way I'll learn. The usual punishment?

KLINK
Yes. The prisoners' recreation hall will be padlocked for one week.

HOGAN
You're a hard man, Colonel, but just. Anything else.

Klink hesitates a moment, frowning. He has a problem he does not quite know how to bring up with Hogan.

KLINK
Colonel Hogan. Just at roll call last night, a Tiger tank entered the camp.

HOGAN
Tiger tank? Oh, so that was a Tiger tank. A beauty. My compliments to the General staff.

KLINK
(shortly) Danke. (resuming) During the search, did you happen to see which gate the tank went out of? (a little doubtful) It did go out a gate.

HOGAN
We were all locked in our barracks, Kommandant.

KLINK
(exasperated) Could you not look out a window?

Helga appears at the door.

HELGA
Herr Kommandant... General Hofstader is on the phone.

KLINK
(can't place him) Hofstader? General Hofstader?

HELGA
Commander, Third Panzer Divison.

KLINK
Hofstader!

He dives for the phone, as Helga exits.

KLINK
(continuing; all smiles) General Hofstader, how nice to hear from you. I... Tank? It didn't come back?... But I assure you, General Hofstader, I didn't send for it! I had nothing to do with it, and I... Where is it now? (a breath) Well, you see, General Hofstader, it was right here, and then we had an escape, except it was not really an escape, and when we came to look for the tank, well...

He takes the phone away from his ear, in pain.

HOGAN
(sympathetically) Short tempers, these Panzers.

After giving him a look, Klink puts the phone gingerly back to his ear. He then speaks into it hastily.

KLINK
No, General Hofstader, there is no need at all four you to come here, General Hofstader, the tank will be found immediately, General Hofstader! (at attention) Jawohl, General Hofstader!

He hangs up, shakily.

HOGAN
Lose a tank?

Klink turns on him.

KLINK
Colonel Hogan. If the tank did not leave the camp, then it is still here. If it is still here, then you and your men may be hiding it. This camp shall be searched, inch by inch, barrack by barrack, prisoner by prisoner!

HOGAN
Colonel Klink. Where do you suspect we might have hidden a Tiger tank?

KLINK
It is impossible for you to hide it! Therefore I suspect you! Dismissed!

They exchange saltues.

HOGAN
I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere.

DISSOLVE:

INT. HOGAN'S OFFICE - DAY

Kinch is in the office with Hogan, listening in on the coffeepot phone tap. Lebeau enters.

LEBEAU
Can't you make a phone tap of Klink's office out of someting besides my coffeepot?

KINCH
Shhh... General Hofstader's on his way, Colonel. Be here in a few minutes.

HOGAN
Guess we'd better give back the tank. Get over to the rec hall, Lebeau. It's all ready to go.

LEBEAU
Jawohl, Herr Colonel!

HOGAN
And knock off the phony accent!

LEBEAU
Oui!

He exits as Newkirk and Tiger enter. She is dressed in a bulky trainman outfit.

TIGER
For your inspection, Colonel.

She turns around, modeling the uniform.

NEWKIRK
Worst job I ever did... but the blueprints are all in.

HOGAN
(to Newkirk) Have you got fatigue clothes to go on over that, for the roll call?

NEWKIRK
Right here, Colonel.

He produces a package of clothes.

HOGAN
Better get 'em on her... roll call's any time now.

TIGER
I can put them on myself.

She takes them from Newkirk, and starts pulling them on.

NEWKIRK
Well... good luck.

TIGER
Merci.

Newkirk exits. Kinch gets up to leave.

KINCH
Uh... be careful.

TIGER
Thank you, Sergeant.

Knich exits, leaving Tiger and Hogan alone. She is turned away from him, and is having a little difficulty pulling on a flight jacket. He makes a move to help.

TIGER
(continuing) I can manage, thank you.

HOGAN
Sure.

TIGER
(after a moment) I am sorry, if my being a woman has made things difficult for you.

HOGAN
Difficult?

TIGER
For your plans.

HOGAN
Oh... plans.

TIGER
Colonel Hogan.

She has finished dressing now and faces him.

TIGER
(continuing) It is not likely that we will see each other again, and so we can be frank, no?

HOGAN
No... uh, yes.

TIGER
I volunteered to come here, because in the underground I heard many things about your operation here. I suppose I was curious - curious as a woman - about the man who was in charge. And now I have seen.

She looks at him for a long moment. He is unable to guess her feelings. He finally opens his mouth to ask, just as the WHISTLES start blowing outside.

TIGER
(continuing) Roll call?

HOGAN
Roll call.

Kinch puts his head in the door.

KINCH
Roll call... Roll call, Colonel!

HOGAN
I know, I know!!

A little startled, Kinch withdraws. Without a further word, Tiger starts to leave, and Hogan follows.

CUT TO:

EXT. MAIN GATE - DAY

A staff car is entering the gate, carrying GENERAL HOFSTADER and his AIDES. The guards salute as th car enters, and goes toward camp headquarters.

EXT. HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Klink comes out with Langenscheidt just as the car draws up and Hofstader jumps out. Klink salutes.

KLINK
General Hofstader, how nice to see you?

HOFSTADER
Where is my tank, Klink??

KLINK
It didn't come back yet?

HOFSTADER
Klink! I release a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel who is about to become a corporal!

KLINK
But I have searched, General Hofstader! The grounds, the barracks, the prisoners...

HOFSTADER
The prisoners??? No one had it in his pocket?? We are talking about a Tiger tank, Klink, not a toy dump truck!!

A GUARD comes up to report to Klink.

GUARD
Herr Kommandant, Barracks Number Eight all present and accounted for!

Klink turns on the luckless guard in a fury.

KLINK
Who asked you???

CUT TO:

HOGAN'S HEROES - DAY

The men are lined up, with Hogan standing in front of them. Tiger is in Newkirk's normal place in the line. Schultz has finished his count, and speaks to Hogan, sotto:

SCHULTZ
Colonel Hogan... you push me too far, Colonel Hogan.

HOGAN
What's the matter, Schultz? All fifteen not here?

SCHULTZ
Fifteen are here, Colonel Hogan, but that... (indicating Tiger) ... is not Newkirk, it does not even look like Newkirk, in any important respect.

HOGAN
Really?

SCHULTZ
Colonel Hogan, I do not wish to interfere in your private life, but I must insist, Colonel Hogan...

Hogan glances at his watch.

HOGAN
Schultz, you have my word that Newkirk is going to be here... any time now.

Schultz stifles a groan. Hogan looks in the direction of the rec hall.

CUT TO.

INT. REC HALL

The tank is set up inside the rec hall. The motor now catches, then ROARS into life. The tank starts forward. Newkirk climbs out of the turret quickly, and jumps to the ground.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMP

Hofstader is striding towards his car, with Klink pleading with him.

KLINK
General Hofstader, it is not necessary to report this to Berlin! The tank will turn up, any time now!

HOFSTADER
Ha!

They both turn, with their aides, at a NOISE, off.

THEIR P.O.V.

The tank bursts through the side of the rec hall, coming toward them.

KLINK
You see? I told you it would turn up!

Hofstader stares.

HOGAN'S HEROES

They are looking at the tank, and discreetly congratulating themselves. Schultz is staring.

HOGAN
(to Schultz) Now where did that come from?

SCHULTZ
I see nothing... nothing!

KLINK AND HOFSTADER

The tank is now bearing down on them.

KLINK
It is attacking!

Hofstader steps in front of the tank, holding up his hand in a gesture of command.

HOFSTADER
Halt! Halt, this is General Hofstader!! Halt!!!

The tanks keeps right on coming, and Klink and Hofstader are forced to dive for safety. The tank heads for the barbed wire fence surrounding the camp.

KLINK
(from the ground) Halt! Stop it! Prisoners are escaping inside! After it!

HOGAN'S HEROES

Tiger is now standing beside Hogan.

HOGAN
You'd better go... this is about the biggest diversion we can make.

TIGER
Goodbye.

She holds out her hand. Hogan takes it. Then, swiftly, she kisses him. Schltz glances around, and sees what is happening. Quickly, he steps in front of them, as a screen.

SCHULTZ
(sotto) Colonel Hogan... kissing prisoners is verboten!

Tiger breaks from Hogan and takes off at a run with Olsen for the fence, in the opposite direction of the tank.

THE TANK

It RUMBLES through the barrier, with Klink, Hofstader, their aides and guards in pursuit, shouting.

HOGAN'S HEROES

Hogan is looking in the direction of Tiger.

SCHULTZ
(not turning) Is... anything happening?

HOGAN
Nothing, Schultz. Just the dull, deadly routine of prison life.

SCHULTZ
(casting his eyes upward) Oh, boy.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. KLINK'S OFFICE - DAY

Hogan is seated, as Klink paces thoughtfully around the office. Hogan picks up the spiked helmet from Klink's desk and a walnut from a bowl. He cracks the nut with the point.

KLINK
Colonel Hogan...

He stops, removing the helmet from Hogan's hands and replacing it on the desk.

KLINK
(continuing) ... we have had strange occurrences in this camp. Strange occurrences.

HOGAN
We have?

KLINK
Yes. Can you suggest an explanation.

Klink pours a glass of sherry from a decanter. Hogan als pours one without being asked.

HOGAN
I think I can, yes. Danke.

KLINK
And what is it?

HOGAN
The Gestapo.

KLINK
The Gestapo?

HOGAN
Colonel Klink... you have never had an escape from Camp Thirteen. A record not even the Gestapo can match.

KLINK
True. But...?

HOGAN
A plot, to discredit you in Berlin.

KLINK
But why? Why?

HOGAN
Your efficiency is showing them up.

KLINK
No!

HOGAN
You have a better theory?

KLINK
But this... this is incredible! What can I do?

HOGAN
(rising) Perhaps, one of these days, we might be able to arrange an escape. Nothing big - just fifteen or twenty men.

Klink stares at him. His gaze then narrows.

KLINK
What your are proposing, Colonel Hogan, would be treason!

HOGAN
You see? You're too perfect. That's why they hate you.

He salutes the bewildered Klink, who is now off balance again. Hogan takes another cigar.

HOGAN
(continuing) For after dinner.

He turns to leave, leaving Klink staring after him.

FADE OUT.

THE END.